Stupid Boy. (be prepared. it's a long story. but it's true.)

First I'd like to start off by saying that abuse is not something to be taken lightly, to joke about, or to ignore. If you know someone who is being abused in ANY way, talk to them right away and also tell someone else who can help. If you truly care about them, you won't just stand by and let it happen. If you don't know for sure if someone is being abused or not, mention the topic in conversation. It will be impossible for them to openly talk about the topic, and chances are, they'll probably even try to change the subject to something else. If they don't even realize what's happening, just talk to them. That's the first step. If you're not sure how to go about it, talk to one of your parents, or a teacher, or a counselor....anyone really. The most important thing is that you take action immediately. Before it gets worse. Before they get too far into the relationship.

I've never told anybody my entire story, so this is taking a LOT of courage for me to do...my hands are shaking while I'm typing this... but here we go....

To put it in perspective of how much he damaged me, I'm 21 and will be 22 in June. He was my first real boyfriend. We started dating October 4, 2005 (I was a sophomore in HS). I broke up with him on March 28, 2008. The abuse continued until I filed a restraining order against him in July of 2008.... But it hurts just as much now as it did then.

His name was Matt. He was a year older than me. He played quarterback and tight end in football and was the star pitcher on our baseball team. He was popular and everyone loved him so when he asked me to the homecoming dance, I was excited, needless to say. We started dating during spirit week and had our first kiss at the dance. I wore his jersey at games, his sweatshirt to school....the whole sha-bang. From the beginning my parents felt uneasy about me dating him, but it was mostly because they thought I was too young to have a real boyfriend already.

After a few months, he started getting overly jealous about some of my guy friends. They were guys I'd known since I was in diapers. One guy is essentially my brother, our parents had a play date for us when we were only a couple months old. Matt said I needed to stop flirting with them and if I couldn't do that then I shouldn't be talking to them at all. I didn't even realize I was flirting with them, so I thought to myself, how can I stop flirting if I don't even know when I'm doing it? I guess I just have to stop talking to them as much. So I did....or I would only talk to them when I knew Matt wouldn't find out. He also started pulling me away from my friends by telling me they were bad influences, etc, etc.... He hardly ever had something nice to say about anyone.

Things really took a turn for the worse when I turned 16. My parents took me and a friend to Cedar Point for my birthday weekend and it was the most fun I had had in a long time. There were a few guys that we met there and my friend thought one of them was really cute so I was her "wing-woman." When we got home, the guys had added both of us on MySpace. Matt freaked out. He started asking me all these questions about who they were and accused me of hooking up with one of them (mind you, I was still a virgin at this point in time). He grabbed me and shook me, yelled at me to stop being a slut. After that, I wasn't allowed to have MySpace (or Facebook when the time came).

A week later he started bringing up sex a lot. He was already the first person I had ever made-out with and I just wasn't ready to have sex yet. But he was. I said 'no' a hundred times and he finally pressured me into it. I cried for weeks.

Over the next year, things progressively got worse. Honestly, I've blocked out most of it, so I hardly remember exact details. I do remember that I lost almost all of my friends. The ones that stayed with me are still two of my closest friends today. My parents hated Matt so if he was there then I was never allowed to stay the night at parties like everyone else, I always had to be home by midnight. Matt didn't want me hanging out with any of my friends, so I never got to have sleepovers. My social life consisted of him, his friends (but I had to be careful how I talked, etc, or he would say I was flirting), and my two friends (who were dating Matt's friends). I stopped wearing make-up to school because I would end up crying it off anyway. I cried almost every day of my junior year because of him. My parents spent $500 on my perfect prom dress....I spent the entire prom crying in the girls' bathroom because Matt didn't want to see my "pathetic face." The only time I came out was when I heard our song come on. We danced without talking and I went back to the bathroom. The reason he was mad was because I had gone to take pictures with some of my friends without telling him where I was going.

Before that prom, I had been isolated from most everyone (including my family), he had complete control over me. He abused me emotionally, mentally, and sexually. He would grab me when he got upset and it would leave bruises on my arms. But that night after prom, he shoved me against his car, slapped me across the face, punched several dents into his car, and punched his steering wheel so hard, the airbag came out. I didn't even think that was possible. But I swear to you, it happened. I was scared for my life on that drive home. He was driving like a maniac.

He graduated and nothing changed. He still lived at home and was just going to a community college. I know now that it was only so he could still have some sort of control over me. But things were different. Everyone knew what was going on by time school started in the fall. Because he wasn't there physically, he made me keep my phone on me throughout the school day so I could answer his texts. He knew when and what classes I would have access to a computer and would yell at me if I didn't email him.

In October of 2007, his friend's little brother (who's a year younger than me) admitted he liked me. The most I had ever said to him was 'Hi.' If I thought I was in hell before, I was wrong. My best friend saw the bruises the next day. She said she had a feeling Matt was physically abusive because she'd witnessed his anger problems when it came to such little things. I will never forget the look in her eye. She would have killed him had he been in the room at that moment.

I had drank for the first time ever in December at a friend's house (to this day he doesn't know about it.) It was a very liberating feeling. That was the first time I had felt somewhat free of him (even though he had been texting and calling throughout the entire night.) Finally, in January I told him I didn't want to do it anymore. I had only applied to two colleges because he told me I wouldn't survive in college and that I should stay home and go to the community college. I refused to go to a community college and then never leave that little town. So when I was accepted to both the schools I applied to, it gave me hope for something. He did everything in his power to keep it from happening. The main thing was keeping me from getting scholarships because he knew my family and I wouldn't be able to afford sending me to college without a few scholarships. In my high school career, I had only participated in a handful of things because he wouldn't allow me to, so my resume was limited. A couple teachers held a few scholarship workshops to help us fill them out, find all the ones we're eligible for, etc...I was only allowed to go to one of them because "I didn't need to do that" and he "could help me fill them out" himself.

When I sent in my acceptance letter to one of the schools, he applied there. My small glimmer of hope was taken away. I tried ending things with him from January through March. Each time he threatened to kill himself, would push me around, force himself on me, force me to perform "sexual favors," and diminish any strength I had had in me. My mom told me I had to go on this retreat with my youth group. It was a battle. I was looking forward to it, it meant an entire weekend without Matt. I would have to leave my phone at home and would have no way for him to contact me. Of course, he yelled at me and told me I wasn't trying hard enough to get out of going....The day before the retreat, I told him we were done. I told him he needed to stop abusing me. For the millionth time, he apologized, said he loved me, etc etc...I said I didn't love him anymore but that I would take the weekend to think about it. Something amazing happened that weekend.

One of the reasons I was so scared to end things was because he was all I ever knew. I didn't know that there was anyone better out there. And then God intervened. There was a cowboy from another youth group, Josh, at that retreat and in two short days, he showed me that I am so much better than Matt and that I deserved the world. When I got home Sunday, I had ten texts from Josh telling me not to go back to Matt, that I'm a beautiful, strong, confident, and care-free lady and not to let anyone make me feel otherwise. I hadn't heard those words used to define me in yearsss. The fact that he could see who I truly am through all the layers of pain, suffering, and damage, was astounding to me. Josh lived an hour and a half away from me, but he talked to me every day and helped keep me from returning to Matt. With the help of Josh, the song "Three Little Birds," my friends, my family, and of course, God, I got stronger and stronger each day.

In April, there were a few days that Matt tried sweeping me off my feet again, but my support system snapped me out of it. I cannot express how grateful I am that I was able to fully enjoy my last couple months of high school.

I went to prom with a good guy friend and a small group of people, bought a cute $50 dress (after what happened the year before, I only cared that I had fun, I could have gone in a brown paper bag for all I cared), went to an after prom party and got drunk for the second time. I reached out to all my old friends but kept in mind which ones were there for me when I needed them. I stopped loving Matt almost immediately; he had hurt me too much for me to have any good feelings toward him. Because of this, it was fairly easy for me to have feelings for another guy a few months later.

Whenever I feel as though I'm losing sight of who I am, I think back to those days and the summer of 2008. Obviously I'm a different person now than I was then because I have more responsibilities and I can't behave as though I'm 18 forever.....but who I was then is the core of who I am now.

Matt and I dated for two and a half years. For two years, I didn't go a day without crying. Even after I broke up with him he found ways to get to me. He stalked me as well as the guy I was hanging out with over summer. My dad actually went to Matt's house and threatened him, as well as his family (for not raising a better son and for not stopping him from stealing me). After that, Matt sent me a message on Facebook that was the most horrible thing he had ever said to me. I was fed up. People still loved him. People still hung out with him and laughed with him and thought he was a great guy while he was telling me to go kill myself..... I published the message he sent. I published it on Facebook and on MySpace. People needed to know. I still do not regret that decision. He called me saying he was going to hunt me down once I moved to college so my "daddy couldn't be there to stop him." I went to the police and filed a restraining order. I haven't talked to him since.

I guess a few months after that he started dating this girl whom he had always talked badly about to me while we were dating ("she's fat," "her make-up is awful," "she's so annoying!"). They're still together. My best friend (who is still dating one of Matt's old friends) says the girl gained about 50 pounds and he's gained about 30. The reason my best friend's boy is now an old friend of Matt's: Matt's girlfriend doesn't let him do anything and doesn't want him to be friends with those guys. Cherry on top: he still lives in that small little town. He didn't even finish college.

Here I am, at a Division 1 school. In a sorority. I have a truly wonderful boyfriend. My family and I have are closer than ever. I may be damaged, but I'm blessed.

"Be sure of this: the wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free."
~Proverbs 11:21